Those Quirky Quincies
by Roxius
Summary: A multitude of little gag-stories involving the Vandenreich characters from the recent chapters of the Bleach manga. There will be more chapters in the future as the manga progresses, and not just about the Quincies only either. Chapters vary in length. Please R & R!
1. 1, 2, 3, 4

1. Ivan/Eben's head

"Hmm...hey, boss..."

The Vandenreich leader glanced over at his long-haired follower. The young man had picked up the disembodied head of Asquiaro Ebern, the Arrancar under their 'employment' who had recently gone up against the Shinigami hybrid Ichigo Kurosaki. Even though he had accomplished his mission, according to his superiors' words, he was still killed. Arrancar were expendable, after all.

The Leader raised an eyebrow, puzzled. "You do know that is the man's head, don't you?" It was getting blood all over the floor.

With a smirk, the blonde Quincy began moving Ebern's limp jaw, making it appear as if it were speaking. "Oh, no, my lord, it seems I have mistakenly lost my body! Wherever could it be?"

The Vandenreich Leader furrowed his brow.

"I am just a lowly Arrancar! I can't even appreciate the wonderful fashion skills of the glorious Quincy, all of this lovely white and blue, it's just too much for my filthy eyes! No sirree, I just can't take it!"

A tiny smile broke out on his chiseled face, like a crack etching along a stone surface.

"It's all thanks to his Quincy-ship that I can fly around without the burden of my hideous, worthless body! Wheeeeee...! Uh-oh, here comes those nasty hollows again! I'm gonna eat them this time! Waka waka waka waka!"

Suddenly, the Vandenreich Leader's smile faded away. "Alright, now you're just being annoying." he spoke softly and coldly.

He stuck out his hand, and in an instant, Ebern's head popped like a balloon. The blonde Quincy stared at his bloody hands for a few moments before finally deciding to excuse himself. Even though it may have not been obvious to the untrained eye, their emperor was clearly pissed off. It was probably for the best to just leave him be until they left to attack Soul Society.

* * *

2. Pony enthusiasm

The line of captured Arrancar were slowly led across the gray desert by the Quincy Hollow Hunting Squad. Many of the transformed Hollow were draped in long, torn robes, their hands chained together with shackles devised of pure spirit energy. They walked and walked, eventually coming to a stop before a man who, despite wearing the same uniform as his followers, carried a far different air. He was clearly the captain of this small group within the Vandenreich's order.

"Order, order!" announced the glasses-wearing Quincy, "My name is Kirge Opie. We will now be holding a big selection tournament for both Arrancar and Hollows. Who will live? Who will die? Starting from the right side of this row, I will stab each of you to death in order. Do you wish to live? Do you wish to join us? Then boldly announce the name of your favorite My Little Pony character! You were all chosen because you can reach ranks above your dead comrades! Please don't mess up this precious chance!"

One of the Arrancar timidly pulled back his hood. "Can...can I be spared if I say that my favorite pony is Fluttershy...?"

"Nein! That's not how it works!" Kirge Opie unsheathed a a blade of pure reishi and thrust it deep into the Arrancar's torso, killing him.

"Fluttershy?" Opie screeched as he continued to gorge the corpse, "Fluttershy? You dare be joking, scum! That little bitch may think she can fool us all with her big, bright eyes and soft-spoken ways, but she is nothing but a snake! An evil creature who wishes only to feast upon the souls of naive, brainless idiots like yourself! Her cuteness is only tied to her shyness; if she were not shy, you would not nearly be smitten with her! You now nothing! The only pony worth of anyone's love is Pinkie Pie! Do you understand? Pinkie Pie! She is the party-loving pony with a heart of gold and a childlike innocence! How could anyone possibly not love her on first sight? Forget Rainbow Dash, forget Rarity, and forget that goddamn Applejack! Pinkie Pie is your savior!"

Another Arrancar decided to speak up. "I...I love Pinkie Pie! She's definitely my favorite character" He was accordingly struck down by an arrow fired from the tip of Kirge's sword.

"Nein! That is wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! You have to say it with more feeeeeeeeeling...! Pinkie Pie deserves more than that disgustingly half-assed cry of devotion! You neanderthals don't seem to understand how important it is to cherish your own life! Very well! If you won't try, you may as well hand over your lives right now! I shall collect them in an orderly fashion!"

As the Captain continued to murder the helpless Arrancar one after another, two of his subordinates watched on. One wore an expression of slight apprehension, while the other remained calm and collected.

"Is the captain really going to collect any Arrancar?" asked the first.

"Of course not." replied the other matter-of-factly.

"...Why is he rambling on about ponies, anyway? What's that about?"

"I don't really know. No one does. He just started bringing it up one day. We decided it's better not to question it."

* * *

3. Hair-cut

Buzzbee didn't like this. He really didn't. Unfortunately, he had little choice but to do it.

As he took his seat in the barber's chair, he grimaced a little as he saw Bambietta's beaming face over his shoulder in the mirror's reflection. She draped a long white cloth over his body to keep the stray hair from getting all over his clothes. Bambietta picked up a comb and a pair of scissors off of a nearby counter, and held them close to Buzzbee's afro.

"Thanks again for letting me practice my hair-styling on you, Buzzbee! I've been dying to find someone new to work on ever since NaNaNa!" Bambietta exclaimed with a girlish chuckle. Buzzbee gulped; the scissors in her hand was like a guillotine of death for his poor hair. Ever since the young Quincy had expressed an interest in becoming a hair stylist to make some money on the side, the Vandenreich leader had been suspiciously supportive of the idea. Almost everyone in the Stern Ritter had their hair done by Bambietta already. Some were more lucky than others.

"Okay...so what kind of hair do you want?" Bambietta asked him.

Buzzbee thought about it for a moment. "Well...anything that doesn't look stupid, anyway."

"Nothing I make looks stupid."

"Yes...of course nothing does..."

"Well, then, I think a 'Quincy Cross' cut would be best, don't you think?"

Buzzbee quickly jumped to his feet and darted for the door. "Fuck this, I'm getting a mohawk!" He didn't even bother removing the bib before disappearing from the room. Bambietta was at a loss for words, but then she started to tear up.

* * *

4. Look-Alike

It had been the first time in a long while since Buzzbee visited the human world. It was just as despicable of a planet as he remembered, but as a human himself, he still needed sustenance and entertainment, so it was the only place that could provide him with such things. On this particular day, he entered a convenience store in America. They could travel to anywhere in the world they wished, thanks to their particular powers.

'Let's see...what should I get?'

He passed over by the magazine section. He caught sight of a rather interesting piece of literature, a comic book. The front cover depicted a caped crusader riding through a rainy night on his motorcycle. The title of the piece was 'Batman'. Of course, Buzzbee would have been turned off by such a ridiculous title, but the cover image really grabbed his attention. He flipped through some of the pages and stopped on a particular one. His eyes were drawn to a panel at the top-right of the page.

"...What?"

It was an old man with white hair, a white moustache, and glasses. According to the dialogue, his name was Commissioner Gordon. Buzzbee peered closer. He looked exactly like a certain bespectacled, mustachioed member of the Stern Ritter.

"Wha...wha...WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA-"


	2. The Thousand Year Sewing War

5. The Thousand-Year Sewing War

Uryu Ishida gritted his teeth. Standing before him was not only the leader of the Vandenreich, but the entire Stern Ritter group was flanking him from behind. It was a dire situation, not the kind that he could easily fight his way out of, even with the new power he had recently awakened to. Uryu glanced over his shoulder; Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime and Chad were lying on the floor. They weren't dead, thankfully, but they were still far too injured to re-join the fight at this point. It would be some time before the Royal Guard arrived, too.

Uryu knew he had to stall the Vandenreich, and he had just the idea on how to do so. It was a stretch but it was likely these guys shared a few similar quirks with him. It was a 'Quincy thing', basically.

"So..." Uryu put on fake, sheepish grin, "You're the, erm, Emperor of the Vandenreich, correct?"

"I haven't been given a name yet, so that is the title I go under for now." replied the mutton-chopped Quincy.

Uryu looked the man and his many subordinates up and down. "You are all quite well-dressed for a massacre of this size."

"We always like to look our best,"

"Of course, and I don't blame you! But, tell me...where did you buy those cloaks and uniforms?"

"Actually," the Vandenreich Leader sneered, "We made these ourselves."

"What?" Uryu feigned surprise; he already knew from the start that those were hand-crafted outfits. They obviously carried the air of something made by loving human hands, not cold mechanical ones, "Surely you don't expect me to believe that you all designed your outfits. They all look the same!"

"Actually, that is far from the truth. To the untrained eye, it is not immediately obvious, but we have all added our own special, subtle 'tastes' into our uniforms in how we designed them, although they are still based off of the regular Vandenreich uniform. I myself chose to go with the cloak and the ribbon to make myself appear larger and more intimidating. Plus, it matches with my eyes."

"I even made this mask myself, so it's not just fabrics we deal with, either!" added the masked Quincy who had stolen Soifon's Bankai.

"Impressive...but..." Despite this being a very serious, life-or-death situation, Uryu Ishida found himself growing increasingly frustrated with his opponents. Ishida had always prided himself greatly on his talent with a thread and needle, almost at the same level as he prided his Quincy powers. He had spent years and years perfecting his craft, creating more increasingly difficult designs, and always making sure to leave the Quincy cross hidden somewhere on the fabric. It was his favorite hobby. And now, these other Quincies were showing off in front of him, and he didn't like it. His sewing was supposed to be something unmatched.

"But what?"

"But just how well can you design English Victorian-era clothing? For stuffed animals?"

"That was one of our first lessons!" Buzzbee exclaimed. "It was a piece of cake; kid's stuff, honestly!"

"Err...what about floral dresses? Skirts? T-shirts? Bonnets? Scarves? what about repairing fabric that's already been torn apart?"

The Vandenreich Leader sighed. "Is that supposed to be intimidating to sewing experts like ourselves? We have been creating such simple pieces of clothing since the moment we came from our mothers' wombs. Just what sort of low-born breed of Quincy are you playing yourself off as? It's absolutely pathetic. I cannot believe we considered you to be a threat to our plans. Get out of our sight."

Uryu Ishida was absolutely stunned, shaken to the very core of his being. It was like being told his very existence was entirely pointless. He fell onto his hands and knees. All of the sudden, a large wad of blood erupted from between his lips. It was the horror of discovering his inferiority in fashion design that caused the internal injuries.

"These foes...they're just too strong for me..." Uryu wheezed.

"Uryu, you're supposed to fight them! Fight them!" Ichigo called out from the side-lines, but it didn't seem like the bespectacled young man was even listening.


	3. Two Peas In a Pod, Death Of A Brony

6. Two Peas in a Pod

Sosuke Aizen and Kenpachi Zaraki stood side by side. A pair of the restricting cords made of kido were wrapped around Aizen's wrists; if he attempted to attack another Shinigami or escape the premises, the cords would automatically ensnare him and immobilize him. With the current state of the Soul Society in such a dire state, the Council of 46 had deemed it unfortunately necessary to call upon the powerful and dangerous traitor to aid in eliminating the Quincy threat. Aizen was so strong that he didn't need to rely on bankai to win fights. Likewise, Kenpachi was also incredibly powerful, but he did not even know the name of his own zanpakuto. Thus, there was no fear of him going into bankai at all. In a way, they were the perfect candidates for this mission.

However, it didn't mean that they had to get along.

"This is really very troublesome," Aizen mumbled under his breath.

"Hmm? You say something?" replied Kenpachi.

"I said it's very troublesome that I have to fight alongside someone so barbaric and lacking in decent manners such as yourself." Aizen glanced away.

Kenpachi gripped his sword handle a little tighter. "I am who I am."

"It must have been because of your pitiful childhood growing up as a street rat in Soul Society's most violent districts. It influenced you into believing that violence is the only one to obtain what you desire. You failed to be properly educated or restricted, which resulted in your current personality. Although you can perform the basic duties of a captain, you are basically just a wild, battle-loving psychotic who lives and sleeps underneath the 11th Division's roof. Am I wrong?"

"You know, that yap of yours is gonna get you killed one day. It should have already."

"I cannot die as long as the Hogyoku is fused inside my body."

"Maybe I should cut you open and take it out, then? That'll shut you up, won't it?"

"Your flimsy sword could not even hope to pierce my very skin. You are not as powerful as you think you are, Kenpachi Zaraki. It was just pure luck that you defeated Yammy, and even then, you had Byakuya helping you. Let us not forget you were defeated by Ichigo Kurosaki in his shikai form. I shall repeat it again; you were defeated by Ichigo Kurosaki in his SHIKAI form. Kenpachi, you are-"

"Hold on a moment there."

"What?"

"You make me sound like a nut who loves to fight, but you're just the same as me!"

Aizen was truly flabbergasted. "W-What did you just say?"

"Think about it. You egg people on to fight you at their full power, you purposely hold back on using your bankai to allow the battles to run longer than they should, and you didn't even let your own damn allies get in the way of you taking care of all the Captains and Vice-Captains by yourself. Basically, aside from a few differences, you're kind of like a more handsome version of me."

"Don't you ever try to psychoanalyze me again! That's what I'm good at; no one is allowed to take away from me!" Aizen roared, "You incompetent, sniveling little worm! We aren't anything alike; those instances you pointed out were for completely different reasons. You are nowhere near the genius that I am! My power is far beyond yours. If I had not lost the hogyoku's power, I would be able to crush you with the simple flick of my wrist!"

Kenpachi couldn't take much more of Aizen and his rambling, even though the sounds of explosions and dying comrades could be heard in the distance.

"You know, forget it. Whether you're like me or not isn't what's important here." he snarled,"I gotta admit, I was kinda disappointed I never got a shot at you myself back all those months ago! I heard from the others how ridiculously strong you were, and it was a pain to hear because I was damn jealous of them! But this is as good of a time as any! C'mon, Sosuke Aizen," Kenpachi unsheathed his zanpakuto, his eyes shining with fierce madness, "Let's have a fight!"

Aizen scoffed. He had calmed down a little, but he was still very upset. "I would love to unleash upon you the humbling that you rightfully deserve, and to make you take back what you said about me, but unfortunately, in my current state, I cannot strike anything other than the enemy."

"Dammit! I guess we'll have to wait until after all of this, huh?"

"I suppose so."

Suddenly, both Kenpachi and Aizen were nearly sent reeling from a sudden slap to the back of their heads. They looked over to see the Fourth Division Captain Retsu Unohana smiling warmly at them. For some reason, the cheery grin on her lips sent shivers up not only Kenpachi's spine, but Aizen's as well. It was now that Aizen recalled why he was so glad Unohana hadn't tried to join the fight back then.

"I'd appreciate it if you two would hurry up, already. We are losing many men." Unohana said.

"Y-Yes, ma'am..."

* * *

7. Death Of An Overzealous Brony

Kirge Opie burst into a fit of maniacal laughter as he locked down the Garganta that Ichigo Kurosaki was traveling through. Inside the space between Hueco Mundo and the other worlds, he knew that the boy with the invincible bankai was currently struggling to escape his enforced prison, but it was surely impossible to do so from the inside. Kirge's body was riddled with many bloody wounds, some of them possibly fatal, but at the moment he didn't care. As per his title "J" for "Jail" in the Vandenreich, he had succeeded in fulfilling his duty. Now there was no hope left for Soul Society or its people.

"Go as wild as you wish, Ichigo Kurosaki, but it's no use! My power of entrapment is unbeatable; you will never be able to escape that prison! Rot in there for the rest of your days, and witness Soul Society's destruction as you are left powerless to stop it!"

Suddenly, A wad of thick, gooey blood spewed from Kirge's lips; the gaping hole in his chest was the reason. For some reason, he had thought the hole would have disappeared, but no, it was still there. He though about My Little Pony. Specifically, about Pinkie Pie. Those curly pink locks, her adorable big blue eyes, her hilarious and light-hearted demeanor. She always knew just what to do or say to made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. It probably wasn't the time, but dammit, right now he needed to keep himself focused. He tried to think about Rainbow Dash's "20-percent cooler" joke. Yes, that was still funny after all of these times. Sure it was. Still, Pinkie Pie was funnier. He needed to make sure his TV recorded the latest episode after he returned to headquarters.

Opie looked over towards the two humans and one Shinigami still alive in his presence.

"Alright...before the power I had absorbed from that monster disappears, I'll have to erase you all..."

Suddenly, that blonde man in the tacky hat cried out, "W-Wait!"

Kirge Opie was so weakened that he hadn't expected what came next. He felt extreme pain, like nothing ever before, and then it all went numb. His body was severed nearly clean in half, just barely missing all of his head, although the side of his face and an ear were sliced off with the rest. Opie couldn't believe it. Just when he thought had won, he allowed himself to be struck down from behind like a loser. He thought of the Vandenreich, and the beloved Leader. But he thought about Pinkie Pie most of all. He thought about the show that had filled his heart with a joy it had never known before. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. If only he had been a little stronger.

'Forgive me...Pinkie-'

And then he was gone.


	4. A Meeting Before The Invasion, True Fear

8. A Meeting Before The Invasion

The Vandenreich Leader stepped up to the podium and turned to face the large crowd of Quincy sitting before him. He coughed twice into his fist, and then clapped his hands. Everyone's attention was drawn solely on their leader's 'majestic' form. They couldn't even dare to think of tearing their eyes away.

"Okay, so, uh, before we go and declare war on Soul Society...I think we need to discuss a few things first." The Emperor stated.

"Such as?" asked his currently-unnamed blonde follower sitting in the front row. He was flanked by Buzzbee and Bambietta, the latter of whom was busily scribbling something on a piece of paper.

"We need to figure out just how we're going to make our grand entrance into Soul Society. Like, we want to be flashy and threatening, but not TOO flashy, or else they won't take us too seriously. We want to strike the fear of the Vandenreich into their black little hearts."

"Fear!" As Nodt jumped to his feet.

"That's right, As Nodt! That's what we're looking for; you're a real go-getter! I always liked that about you! Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions for how we should reveal ourselves to those sniveling little maggots called the Shinigami? Remember, it has to be BIG! Think big! We have a big budget thanks to us selling all of those fabrics at the sewing festival last September, so money is no object!"

"How about we just go with large beams of light? That usually works wonders for us." suggested the blonde Quincy.

"Hmm, simple yet practical! Good thinking; it saves both time and money, although it's still a little lacking in terms of being able to strike fear and confusion among the enemy's ranks! Anyone else?"

"We shall ride in atop gigantic winged horses, with the Quincy cross marked ever so elegantly on their flanks! The Shinigami will tremble as they witness a wing-span that is easily the length of ten fillies put side by side!"

"Opie, shut up. And you're not going anyway. You have to go to Hueco Mundo to intercept Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Bwaaaaah! Why doesn't anyone else understand the ponies like I do?" Opie stood up and attempted to run out of the conference room. However, his dramatic exit was foiled when he immediately tripped over a folding chair. Instead of picking himself up, he simply laid there in place, his gushing tears staining the carpet underneath him. The Vandenreich Leader sighed.

"Any other suggestions?"

As Nodt took the chance to speak again. "How about locusts. Lots and lots of locusts...and bats. And spiders. And giant metal tanks!"

"I don't think so, As Nodt. I like your style, trust me, but stuff like that would just get in everyone's way. Rejected!"

"How about we put luchador masks on the bats?"

"No! And we aren't bringing any bats!"

"We can act like gentlemen and simply ask that they let us stab them to death without any fuss."

"Nada!"

"Can't I at least go out wearing my new Pinkie Pie cosplay?"

"I already said no, Opie!"

Suddenly, just when it seemed like the conference would escalate into a vicious uproar, Bambietta got out of her seat and casually waltzed up to the podium beside the Emperor. Like the little rebellious teenager that she was, she had no qualms with actually snatching the microphone from her superior's hand.

"I think we should use a theme song to announce our presence! Something cool, exciting and hip!" proclaimed the girl.

The Vandenreich Leader swiped the microphone back. "And what do you propose we use as a theme song?"

"Why, I just happened to have written the lyrics for a very clever little song I thought up after listening to the radio last night!" Bambietta handed over a sheet of paper, which the leader began to read aloud.

"The other lyrics are on the first page. Page 2: 'Your stare was holdin', ripped hakama, blood was showing. Hot night, reiatsu was blowin'. Where you think you're going, baby?' Next verse...'Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my medallion, so go bankai maybe?'"

An awkward, tense silence befell everyone in the conference room at that moment. It was even worse than the one time that Buzzbee forgot to put on any pants for work. No one could say anything; it was almost like, in fear that they did, then the very fragility of existence itself would come crumbling apart. Fortunately, they could always depend on their leader to take care of things. He crumbled the piece of paper into a ball and obliterated it into nothingness.

"Bambietta..."

"Yes?"

"What did I tell you about toying around with copyright?"

"I..." Bambietta gulped, and her gaze was drawn to the floor in disappointment.

"Do you want the police on our trail? Think about it, what if they showed up while we were in the middle of declaring war on Soul Society? How exactly can we explain to them that we are busy killing thousands or millions of people while also stealing and parodying lyrics from some dumb pop song? Even worse, it could be the Feds too! That's not something you can just buy your way out of; the last thing any of us need is having to go to jail because you made a dumb, amateurish mistake! I don't want to take any unnecessary risks in this operation! Do you understand?"

Bambietta sniffled, eyes filling with tears, and darted out of the nearest door she could reach. The Vandenreich Leader sighed for what was probably the umpteenth time that day. He turned his attention back to the rather stunned crowd of Quincies before him.

"Uh, anyway...I think we should just go with the 'giant columns of light' idea..."

"Aw yeah!"

* * *

9. True Fear

"-But you are doing a great job resisting that with the strength of will alone," As Nodt said as he described the basis of 'overwhelming fear' within his powers to a bankai-less Byakuya, "I'm surprised. But that is merely surprise, not 'fear'. In fact, your heart has already been possessed..."

Byakuya's blade connected with As Nodt's chest, but to no effect.

"By your fear towards me."

Byakuya scoffed inwardly. 'Fear? Ridiculous. There is no battle where fear does not exist. But I have overcome it countless times, every time I survive a life-or-death crisis. I have never suppressed any sort of fear. I have accepted fear through battle, pounded it down, and acquired the power to move forward. Fear is-'

Suddenly, the image of a smiling Rukia appeared in his mind. Byakuya froze.

"Oh, there you are, brother," Rukia exclaimed, "I've been looking for you everywhere! I wanted to tell you that Ichigo and I will be getting married next month!"

Byakuya fell to his knees and clasped his head in his hands. "OOOOOOUUUAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"Ha ha ha, now you're experiencing true fear!" As Nodt laughed, his eyes rolling back into his head.

Renji, meanwhile, was left feeling more confused than ever before.


	5. More As Nodt

10. True Fear 2

"-But you are doing a great job resisting that with the strength of will alone," As Nodt said as he described the basis of 'overwhelming fear' within his powers to a bankai-less Byakuya, "I'm surprised. But that is merely surprise, not 'fear'. In fact, your heart has already been possessed..."

Byakuya's blade connected with As Nodt's chest, but to no effect.

"By your fear towards me."

Byakuya scoffed inwardly. 'Fear? Ridiculous. There is no battle where fear does not exist. But I have overcome it countless times, every time I survive a life-or-death crisis. I have never suppressed any sort of fear. I have accepted fear through battle, pounded it down, and acquired the power to move forward. Fear is-'

Suddenly, the image of a smiling Rukia appeared in his mind. Byakuya froze.

"Brother, I'm going to get a sex change!" she proclaimed, and then she became a man...which was basically just normal Rukia with a mustache, side-burns and a goatee.

Byakuya fell to his knees and clasped his head in his hands. "NOOOOOOUUUAAAAAHHHHHH! YOU DON'T HAVE THE LOOKS TO MAKE FACIAL HAIR WORK FOR YOU! GAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"Ha ha ha, now you're experiencing true fear!" As Nodt laughed, his eyes rolling back into his head.

Renji, meanwhile, was left feeling more confused than ever before. 'Why is the Captain tearing out his hair like that and sobbing so profusely...?'

* * *

11. True Fear 3

"-But you are doing a great job resisting that with the strength of will alone," As Nodt said as he described the basis of 'overwhelming fear' within his powers to a bankai-less Byakuya, "I'm surprised. But that is merely surprise, not 'fear'. In fact, your heart has already been possessed..."

Byakuya's blade connected with As Nodt's chest, but to no effect.

"By your fear towards me."

Byakuya scoffed inwardly. 'Fear? Ridiculous. There is no battle where fear does not exist. But I have overcome it countless times, every time I survive a life-or-death crisis. I have never suppressed any sort of fear. I have accepted fear through battle, pounded it down, and acquired the power to move forward. Fear is-'

Suddenly, the image of three smiling Rukias appeared in his mind. Byakuya froze.

"Brother, I'm pregnant with Ichigo's/Renji's/Kenpachi's child!"

"Brother, I want you to read this book from the human world that Rangiku gave me! It's called 'Fifty Shades of Grey'!"

"Brother, your drawing skills suck!"

Byakuya fell to his knees and clasped his head in his hands. "NOOOOOOUUUAAAAAHHHHHH! THIS IS WORSE THAN EITHER OF THE PREVIOUS ONES! GAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"Ha ha ha, now you're experiencing true fear!" As Nodt laughed, his eyes rolling back into his head.

Renji, meanwhile, was left feeling more confused than ever before. 'Why is the Captain tearing out his hair like that and sobbing so profusely...?'

* * *

12. Look-Alike 2

Buzzbee shook his head. Just because this 'Jim Gordon' character in the Batman comic looked like one of his comrades didn't mean anything. He flipped further through the comic book, and stopped on another page. This one featured a rather frightening-looking character, a villain by the name of 'Scarecrow'. He was an psychotic evil man who enjoyed using fear and confusion to torture the minds of his victims.

Buzzbee blinked. Didn't he know someone who sounded similar to that? He read on. It also said that Scarecrow seemed to use large amounts of cockroaches as apart of his experiments. That reminded the Quincy of all the locusts that his certain friend kept in his room. Plus he was a tall, slender man who generally acted like a creep, but he also enjoyed showing off once in a while. He also was a master of psychology.

Once again, Buzzbee's mind was blown.

"W-W-WHHOOOOOOOOOOA...wait a minute, is it really like him? Yeah, it definitely is...AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-"


	6. After the Sakuras Bloomed

A?N: There was a weird problem with updating the fifth chapter, but it is actually there. This is just two quick ones based on the events of the recent chapter, so some spoilers involved.

* * *

13. The Fearless Emperor

"Hey, are you the boss of these punks?"

The Vandenreich Leader and his blonde follower turned in response of the voice; it was Kenpachi Zaraki, the Shinigami Captain of 11th Division. Riding on his shoulders were the murdered bodies of several Stern Ritter members, their spilled blood staining their killer's white cloak. His blade was still pierced through the back of one of the larger corpses. The Vandenreich Leader casually smirked to himself in front of the horrible sight. His assistant, however, was feeling uneasy for the first time since their invasion began.

'This man...Kenpachi Zaraki. A Shinigami who doesn't possess a bankai, yet his pure strength more than makes up for it.' the blonde Quincy thought to himself, 'I knew he would be troublesome to deal with...but this! This is ridiculous! He's already killed Simian T. Samador, Baldy Monarch, and...possibly a third guy, but it's a little difficult to tell from here. Worst of all, he doesn't even look the slightest bit injured! It's insane. But he's also over-confident. He's attempting to challenge my lord alone, and for that mistake, he'll surely suffer a humiliating death...'

"YOINK!"

The blonde Quincy looked over to where his Emperor had been standing moments ago...only to see the space now empty. "Huh?"

The Quincy spun around again to see, much to his horror and disbelief, that the Vandenreich Emperor was running away at an incredible speed. Suddenly, he felt something sharp poke him in the back.

"It looks like your leader is taking a hike. So, how about you fight me instead?" Kenpachi's voice growled.

The blonde Quincy wasted no time in following his lord's example, and taking a brisk jog through the ruined streets of Soul Society.

* * *

14. Creepy

The luchador Quincy sighed in relief; he had jumped in at the nick of time to save As Nodt from that horrible red-haired Shinigami fellow, or at least that was what he convinced himself to believe.

"You okay...As Nodt?" The masked villain inquired.

To his surprise, the smaller Quincy was actually annoyed by his 'heroic' intrusion. "Fool. You should have let him activate his bankai; we could have stolen it."

"What? I thought only Captains had bankai!"

"Go back to the base and read the data our lord gave us again, if you must."

"N-No, I wouldn't do that! I could never do that!"

As Nodt gave him a sideways glance. "Why not?"

"We have a job to do here! And..." Despite his mask covering the majority of his mustached face, the luchador's blush was easy to notice, "I would worry about you if I left you here in enemy territory all alone...you mean alot to me, to be honest..."

As Nodt stepped away from the flustered, muscle-bound Quincy. 'That's probably the creepiest thing I've heard all day...and I'm the 'fear' guy!'

However, the luchador was not finished just yet. "Uh, after we kill the rest of these Shinigami, wanna...wanna go get some ice cream later?"

"No!"

"Do you like fruit better?" He was a tenacious one, As Nodt had to give him that.

"Just forget about it! Verdammt!"


	7. Losers

15. Agents Are Go

Things were going badly in the Soul Society. Really badly. From the moment the Vandenreich's Stern Ritter had invaded their headquarters, the Shinigami had hardly stood a chance at all. Over a thousand Shinigami and a Vice-Captain were killed within minutes of the battle. Several captains were confronted, and when they attempted to resist with bankai, they had their powers stripped from them. It was an absolute disaster; there was little chance of a victory here, with so many opponents still alive, even though a few had been dispatched thanks to Kenpachi Zaraki.

Rukia looked around. She was breathing heavily. Her fellow Shinigami were screaming, bleeding, dying all around her. She could sense her brother's waning spiritual pressure, and Renji's was still there, but it was in a terrible weak state. There was little hope for Soul Society; unless the fabled Zero Squad made its appearance, most likely all would be lost. Not even the Captain Commander could hope to take all of the Stern Ritter on by himself. Clutching her wounded arm, Rukia turned her sights to the blue skies above. And then she got pissed.

"HEEEAAAALLLPP!"

Somehow, an image of her screaming for aid materialized onto the massive video screen of a certain man. A man named...Commander Kahn. A man who desired to bring justice all over the world, whether it be confronting an alien attack or aiding a disgruntled babysitter. He was prepared to send his courageous agents on yet another mission to bring an end to this conflict.

"Agents are...GO!"

As soon as he had announced those three words, a portal unlike any ever seen opened within the sky of Soul Society. Three men came flying out with jet-packs, the lead one with a suspiciously large afro. They landed with an unnatural grace before the Stern Ritters who had begun beating up Byakuya's corpse. They took out their licenses, revealing themselves as the 'Elite Beat Agents'. Behind the three men, Rukia, Renji, Yamamoto and Kenpachi started to wave their arms back and forth over their heads.

"1, 2, 3, Go!" And the music began to play completely out of nowhere.

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you-"

Almost instantly all of the Stern Ritter were blown to pieces, and Soul Society was saved. Even the Vandenreich Leader had to admit defeating after witnessing such spectacular dance moves. His many years at practicing to become a professional tap-shoe dancer had proved to be a fruitless effort after all. He stood no chance against the might of the Elite Beat Agents.

* * *

16. Opie's Past: An Attempt at Conversion

Luders Friegen was walking along, reviewing his latest notes on 'How To Act Like a Quincy for Dummy Arrancar' when he noticed Stern Ritter Kirge Opie peeking through a crack in a door, giggling madly to himself. Although it was generally accepted that Stern Ritter and the Arrancar familiars that worked underneath them rarely communicated off the battleground, Luders was feeling particularly cheeky that day. The Vandenreich Emperor had assigned him on a very important mission this coming week; declaring war on Soul Society. This was his chance to gain some respect as a non-Quincy member, and he couldn't wait. So he decided to ask Opie what he was doing. After all, they were likely going to be apart of the same force soon enough.

"What're you doing, Kirge Opie?"

Opie gave him nothing more than a sideways glance. "Be quiet. I can't dare miss a second of this."

"Like I had asked, what are you doing?"

Opie waved him over. Although he felt a little unsure, Luders decided to look inside anyway. Sitting there, in the middle of the floor, was a small plastic toy. It resembled one of those 'pony' characters that Opie had been obsessing over lately, but this particular one was gray with blonde hair. Its eyes were terribly unfocused.

"What is that?"

"Derpy. I put it there for His Majesty."

"What? You did that? Are you insane?" Luders exclaimed in a harsh whisper.

"I'm sure that he will come to understand the wonder of the pony when he realizes how cute and innocent they can be, even those with a questionable mental capacity...our leader is intelligent and understanding. He is bound to see the light; he just has to. He can't deny it to himself."

"That'll never work!"

"Quiet! He's coming!"

Opie and Luders watched, their hearts racing, as the Vandenreich Leader slowly walked through the room. He came to a stop before the tiny Derpy figure sitting on the floor. He stared down at it like a lion discovering its newest prey. He stared and stared for what seemed like minutes. And then, he snapped his fingers, and the toy exploded in a burst of gray sludge. He promptly walked over it and disappeared around the corner.

"NOOOOOOO!" Opie screamed, tears gushing from his eyes. He had spent an entire week making that thing from scratch.

'Damn...' Luders winced, 'I really hope nothing like that ever happens to me!'

* * *

17. Losers

Buzzbee was sitting in the Quincyteria (the Quincy cafeteria, but the current name had been decided in a vote) and drinking coffee. For reasons unexplainable, he was listening to Stern Ritter Q Berenice Gabrielli prattle on and on about nothing in particular. She had a very obnoxious cockney accent, and no one knew where she picked it up.

"So then I said, Bambietta, your butt's too fucking big to fit in that skirt! Try this instead! And she's all, you're the fat bitch not me, and she was wailing and crying like she usually does. The stupid tart. But anyway, after that she began blowing shit up and blubbering and all that. Ay, it's always a royal pain in the ass dealing with her. I dunno why she thinks she's the Stern Ritter's 'super idol'; the broad's totally delirious! And anyway, you seen the weather lately in Heuco Mundo? Sandstorms and all that. Crazy, ain't it? All them Arrancar thrown up into the air and swirled around like little pieces of trash...which they are, don't get me wrong, but it almost makes me feel bad for them. Seriously, some of them are kinda cute, little pets you could take home with you. Carry 'em in your arms, seriously this tiny! You wouldn't believe it! Speaking of which, that reminds me of the time my boyfriend and I were having sex over the bodies of some Arrancar we killed just before, and-"

"Hey." Buzzbee said.

"Hmm?"

"What's your power?"

"What? What? What? What're you saying? You should know what my special ability is! I mean, we've been members of the same group for almost our whole lives, raised by the Emperor to fight for the sake of all Quincies! Obviously you should know what I can do! Why are you even asking me this? Are you makin' fun of me? Are you? I'll have you know that my boyfriend can kick your damn ass, you jerk!"

"See? You can't even just tell me what your powers as 'The Question' are without blabbering on and on! You're pathetic! So shut up already!" Buzzbee was having a really bad day today; he decided taking it out on the more obnoxious Stern Ritter was the best way to relieve the tension. Berenice looked like she was about to burst into tears.

"You...you ARE an asshole! I'm calling my boyfriend over right now to slap some sense into you; I never liked you in from the very start, you know! Jerome, get over here!"

Stern Ritter R, Jerome Guizbatt, was quite possibly the ugliest member of the entire Stern Ritter. And with guys like Nanana and Driscoll around, that was saying a lot. It also said a lot about Berenice's taste in men. The hulking ape-man slowly dragged his large feet over to the table where Buzzbee sat, and he glared at him with a ferocious, but still unimposing, gleam in his eyes. He snorted, causing bursts of steam to puff out of his nostrils. Berenice embraced him.

"He's yelling at me and telling me to shut up and lots of other mean stuff!"

"Why, you little prick! Apologize right now! " Jerome opened his gigantic mouth, revealing sharp canine teeth resembling a primate's. Buzzbee rolled his eyes.

"Oh okay, you're going to use your power on me? What was it again? Screaming? Yeah, wow, that's a really great ability alright...but here's a crazy idea: how about something that actually can KILL the opponent? We need our enemies to die in horrible deaths, not just have their eardrums burst! You don't even get super strength or super speed or something for your transformation; what's the point! You both suck!"

This time Jerome joined his girlfriend in sobbing. The lower-lettered Stern Ritter tended to be picked on a lot by their superiors. Feeling satisfied with himself, Buzzbee took another sip of coffee.

A few moments later, a butt-naked Bambietta ran past. 'She' was being followed in close pursuit by the real Bambietta, who was flinging arrows in every direction.

"Goddammit, Loyd! Stop using your ability to turn yourself into me!"


	8. Flaming Mad

18. One More Time

The emperor of the Vandenreich, Yuhabaha, smiled triumphantly as he held the bruised and battered Kenpachi by his neck.

"Hmph...so this is Kenpachi Zaraki, one of the special powers we had intended to be wary of. How weak. I feel embarrassed to think I had run away from him earlier, when he proved to be such an easy opponent."

His blonde companion sighed in relief. It had taken a lot of convincing to get the leader to finally turn around and just fight Kenpachi instead of escaping. It had been a brief battle; the 11th Division Shinigami Captain stood no chance in winning, and his defeat had been all but assured when his strongest attack was blocked with ease. And now, with the defeated Captain helpless in his grasp, the emperor prepared to squeeze the remaining life from his body.

"Sleep. Soul Society is finished."

Suddenly, he felt it. That familiar reiatsu, from over a thousand years ago. An eruption of flames burst from behind him, like a meteor crashing down into the Earth. A voice called out, old and gruff, but still so familiar. A tiny smile graced Yuhabaha's lips.

"It's been nearly a thousand years, Yuhabaha. I've come...to rip the life out of you."

It was the Captain Commander of Soul Society's entire army, Genryusai Yamamoto. Yuhabaha chuckled softly. The sheer power emitting from Yamamoto's body was immense; he was wreathed in a wall of thick red flames. It was strong enough to burn away the very skin and bones of a weaker being. Yuhabaha smiled. He knew what he had to do.

"YOINK!"

The mighty emperor threw Kenpachi's unconscious body in Yamamoto's way, and he ran for his life. The blonde Quincy slapped his palm to his face.

'Not again...'

* * *

19. Overkill

With a single swing of his blazing sword, Yamamoto decimated Driscoll Berci, the Stern Ritter "O - Overkill" in an instant. The very flesh from his bones was burned away, and his entire body shattered apart into cinders as the flames continued to rip and tear him apart. Hisagi could only stare on, transfixed in his amazement. He had always known the Captain Commander was strong, but he couldn't help but be in awe whenever the old man displayed his power before him, which was very uncommon.

As Yamamoto began walking toward him, Hisagi suddenly realized something.

"Captain Commander..."

"Do not worry. I shall kill all of them by myself." Yamamoto was serious.

"No...it's not that..." Hisagi said, lowering his head.

"Hmm?" Yamamoto looked at him, "What is it, then?"

Suddenly, a smile formed on Hisagi's lips, despite all the blood and dirt on his face. "His title as a Stern Ritter...it was 'The Overkill'...but it looks like you are the one who deserves that title even more, after blowing him apart like that!"

Yamamoto glared at him. Hisagi continued to smile.

"Am I right?" he asked.

Yamamoto set Hisagi on fire with a flick of his wrist. "That joke...was overkill." he said, before flying off.

* * *

20. Dead People

After the last vestiges of his strength left him, Byakuya Kuchiki died. However, he found himself still opening his eyes again. Only this time, he was standing not in the great open corridors of Soul Society, but a void of endless whiteness. He sighed. He really was dead. This must be the place where Shinigami go to after they die; the death after death. Byakuya looked around again, only this time, he saw a rather extravagant-looking door standing in the middle of the empty space. Byakuya wondered if he should try to open it. Since he had nothing else he could do now, he proceeded to approach the strange door. It was nothing like the sliding doors of the Spirit World; it looked particularly Western.

Byakuya turned the handle, and stepped inside. What he found both shocked and disturbed him.

It was like entering the home of an wealthy Englishman. There were portraits of famous musicians, nightstands with lamps on top, a chandelier, a window that overlooked the city landscape, a plate of biscuits with gravy on the table, tea pots, tea pots everywhere. It wasn't something Byakuya, who lived in the ancient stylings of Soul Society, could feel comfortable with. And sitting on a gigantic green armchair was Sasakibe. He wore a fancy black suit with a top hat and monocle.

"Cheerio, my good chap! Fancy a drink of tea?" he asked.

Byakuya scowled. Being dead wasn't going to be fun.


	9. Flaming Mad Verse II

A/N: Contains spoilers for latest chapter.

* * *

20. Before Jumping Him

As Nodt, Buzzbee, and Nanana Najahkoop sat hidden behind a large piece of rubble, only a few dozen feet away from where their boss was about to battle against the Captain Commander of the entire Shinigami forces. They were waiting for the right time to jump out on the old man, and try to kill him. It was a dangerous chance they were taking, but they knew that it was likely the best thing they could do. They were honestly a little fired up about this battle of the bosses. They were going to support their beloved emperor as best as they could. After all, he would surely appreciate any effort they gave. They looked back and forth between each other.

"So...who's gonna go first?" As Nodt asked, and he pointed at Buzzbee, "You?"

"W-What? No way, man. I may hate that old fart, but that's suicide! ...Nanana, you should go. Nobody likes you."

"Just your fuckin' face!" Nanana waved him off.

"Well somebody is going to have to go out there and see when we should jump out on him!"

"Can't we just...peek out from behind this rubble here? It's a lot safer."

"Ugh, fine." They all peeked out together, and they barely avoided having their heads burned off by the flames pouring from Yamamoto's blade.

"Quincy Christ! That was crazy, ya'know!" Nanana was trying to put out a tiny flame that was on the tip of one of his dreadlocks.

"This might not be as good of an idea as we thought it would be." Buzzbee said.

"Don't be afraid; this might be our best chance!"

"Honestly...hearing the guy who's title is supposed to be 'Fear' telling us not to be afraid does little to impress me..."

As Nodt groaned, rolling his eyes. "Stop complaining and let's get this over with! With all of us together, that old guy doesn't stand a chance! We're strong too, and besides, he's over 1000 years old! His senses have probably dulled enough to get a few hits in. Have you seen all those scars covering his body? This will be a cakewalk! It's not something our emperor should have to dirty his hands with!"

"I think the fact he's been able to keep his position for this long is something to consider,"

"They say there hasn't been a stronger Shinigami than him in thousands of years!"

As Nodt really hated these two; they were just so difficult to convince. But then he had an idea.

"Think about it; if we win this, if we kill their leader for the emperor, we will surely receive a massive award. We will get bigger rooms, nicer medallions, Bambietta and the other Stern Ritter girls will be offering themselves up to you with the slightest command...it'll be the best way to celebrate our victory! Wouldn't you want that?"

"Hmm...I suppose we can try it, when you bring up the possibility of an award like that...but let's get some human girls instead. Quincy girls are kinda crazy in the bad way." Buzzbee was convinced. Some say he just wanted to find a girl that could appreciate his mohawk.

Nanana chuckled evilly, showing off his hideous black-and-white teeth. "Man, I'm gonna shove my sword up the butt and make 'em say uncle! I'm talking about the Captain Commander, but I'll do that with the girls too!"

"Now let's go!"

* * *

22. Dead People 2

"Well, we're dead now. Sorry." As Nodt said, and Buzzbee punched him in the face.

"This is all your fault, telling us to jump him right then! Now look at what happened!"

"I said...I was sorry..." As Nodt rubbed at his face, despite the fact that being a dead spirit in an empty void now made him impervious to any damage, as it did for his two companions.

"So what do we do now? We're stuck, man!" Nanana scratched his head.

"I'll think of something..."

"I think it would be better if you stopped thinking!"

"Hey, look at that!"

The three deceased Quincies looked through the white void to see a wooden Western-styled door, standing perfectly tall in the middle of the nothingness. It was obviously suspicious. They looked at each other, nodded, and began to approach the door. It may have been a trap, it may have lead to nowhere, but they had nothing to lose in examining what was possibly behind the door. As Nodt opened it. What they saw inside looked like the hideous, over-crowded living room of a rich English gentleman. Two men were sitting in there, wearing fancy suits with top hats and monocles, drinking tea, and large great horned owls were perching on their shoulders.

As Nodt recognized the man on the left as the Shinigami Captain he had killed. The other man wasn't anyone he recognized; it may have been someone Driscoll had killed.

"Save...me..." whispered the former Captain. As Nodt stepped back, and shut the door.

"Quincy Christ..."

Suddenly, he noticed another pair of spirits hanging out, mumbling to themselves in a state of depression. It was Opie and Driscoll, weeping over the spirit (!) of the handmade Derpy doll the emperor had destroyed a few days ago. As Nodt and the others decided to just leave them alone, and continue to explore this strange and desolate world they were fated to spend eternity in.


	10. Chapter 10

23. One Last Attempt

Yamamoto Genryusai's body as wreathed in blazing flames.

"Now you cannot even touch me."

Juha Bach could only stare on, unable to fully comprehend at how weak his power was before this man. This was nothing like he had expected. A thousand years of training and planning, all gone to waste in an instant. It was just too much.

"Now that I've unleashed my bankai, think of both my body and my blade...as the embodiment of the sun!"

He couldn't die here. Not now. He had so many plans, so many dreams to fulfill. He was the leader of a dying race, and it was his goal to keep that race living until eternity. He knew what to do.

"YOI-"

"Oh no you don't!"

Before Juha could toss his sword in Yamamoto's face and run, he was suddenly attacked. However, it was not by the Captain Commander, but by his own subordinate, the blonde Quincy.

"What the hell are you doing?" Juha shouted at him, the blonde clutching tightly on the hem of his cape.

"You are not running away again!" he yelled back, "You have to stay and fight him! You need to defeat him, my lord!"

"Are you kidding me? Look at that son of a bitch! He's on fire! On fire! And who knows what else he has up his sleeve? This time, I really should be running!"

"No! You're the pride of the Vandenreich; you can't just abandon us! You're our leader!"

"Yeah, but I'm not your father! I have no obligations!"

"We all think of you as our father! And, well, Bambietta is your illegitimate-"

"Hold it! We discussed that a thousand times! I told you never to bring that up again! I would never want to admit that horrible, awful truth to myself! As far as I'm concerned, you're more my kid than she is!"

"Well, I'm flattered, Emperor, but that's beside the point! What you have to do right now as your duty to the Vandenreich is to stay here and fight, My Emperor!"

"Look at that! He just summoned freakin' zombies, man! This invasion is over!"

"Stop whining and fight!"

"But...I...don't...wanna!" Juha Bach was shaking his head as streams of tears gushed from his eyes like jet-streams.

Yamamoto wondered when he could finally stop wasting time and just strike down these two idiots already. He just hoped that all of these chances to show off his bankai's powers isn't some kind of bad foreshadowing.

* * *

24. His Inspiration

Juha Bach wandered through the busy streets of Germany, cloaked in a special robe that would protect him from being spotted by Shinigami. He could see them moving all over; they were leaping from the roofs of buildings, running through crowds with ease, and sending Wholes to the afterlife. It made him a little uneasy. It had been many, many years since he escaped Yamamoto's clutches, but who knew what that damn old man was thinking. He was probably doing everything he could to find Juha Bach; after all, they had been such major rivals back in the day. Surely Yamamoto Genryusai hadn't forgotten about him...right?

Suddenly, Juha heard a voice shout from behind him. He looked over his shoulder. It was a pair of men, beating on an old woman while calling her various names in their native tongue. Juha stared at them. He had seen many people like this around the town as of late. They all dressed the same, in stylish uniforms with medals and symbols and those hats. So awesome. There was just something so crazy, malicious, frightening and totally bad-ass about the way they looked, even if they were usually a bunch of gigantic assholes. Juha couldn't help but respect guys like that; they knew how to abuse their power the right way.

At that moment, Juha Bach had an idea.

* * *

25. Awkward

Juha Bach stared at the blonde Quincy. The blonde Quincy, in turn, stared back.

"Do you need something, My Emperor?"

Juha leaned back in his throne chair. "We have been working side by side for many years, my friend. Over 500 years, to be exact."

"That we have." the blonde Quincy nodded.

"But...there has been something that bothers me."

"What is the matter?"

"It is a trivial matter, but I hesitated to bring it up because I did not wish to offend you. Unlike my other followers, you are important to me. You matter. That is why I wish for us to keep good relations."

"My Emperor, you should know that I would never hate you. I could not hate you. It is unthinkable."

"Are you positively sure?"

"Of course! My Emperor, you are my guiding light, the hope that keeps me going on, hoping for a better world where we will stand tall over the bodies of those who dared persecute us! You are the one I will gladly give my life for! But I would most wish to be able to stand by your side when we bring about the fall of Soul Society! Believe me when I say this, My Emperor, but I love you as much as I could of a much older man."

"Alright then..."

"Yes?"

Juha Bach sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "I don't know what your name is."


	11. Mighty Morphin' Mutton Chops

A/N: I wrote these before the newest chapter came out, so please excuse any discrepancies with the plot, since really, none of these are correct because they are made up as the story goes along and don't fit into canon.

* * *

26. Mighty Morphin' Mutton Chops

Juha Bach, or the man who had taken on the name, hit the ground with a quiet thud. His left arm and the majority of his torso had been completely erased by the almighty power of Yamamoto Shigekuni's bankai. There was no way he would be able to make it out of this alive. No powers of the Quincies could repair destroyed organs or body parts. His confidence had proven deadly, and just like so many of his subordinates, he had fallen pray to the powers of the Shinigami. He cursed them, cursed them all, inside his head. But there was only one thing he could bring himself to say, before the last vestiges of life left him forever.

"I...I wasn't strong enough...I'm sorry...Juha Bach-sama."

Yamamoto's eyes widened. 'What did he just say?'

Suddenly, Juha Bach's body became enveloped in some sort of white light. However, the light began to shrink, focusing itself entirely from his facial hair, his mutton chops. The light started to transform into a flame, rising higher and higher, like a beam. Yamamoto continued to stare on, unsure of what was going on. However, he could sense something. Something dark and powerful within Juha Bach's mutton chops.

The white flames started to manifest into a new form; a human body. First, an arm emerged. Then another arm. Then a leg, and a second leg to make a pair soon afterward. And then a face emerged out of the light, and Yamamoto gasped. This man...he looked so familiar, and yet, Yamamoto could not recall his name. As the mysterious figure fully took on form, the light vanished, leaving Juha Bach's corpse on the ground with no mutton chops to speak of.

"I," announced the man, "Am the real Juha Bach."

Yamamoto cursed himself for his foolishness. He should have known it all along; the true villain...was hidden inside the facial hair. It was so obvious!

* * *

27. Why Use Japanese Honorifics When You're Supposed To Be German?

Juha Bach looked around. He was standing in a room of infinite emptiness. He sighed; he really had died. He had failed the true Juha Bach-sama. However, he knew he couldn't waste the rest of his eternal damnation by moping over a few cracked eggs. As a Quincy, he was practically obligated to try and make the best out of a horrible situation. He started walking.

It was barely several minutes (although, considering the situation, it may really have been hours or years) before Juha Bach came across a strange door. It looked like a design similar from one of the old European countries he had traveled through in his youth. Juha grabbed the doorknob, and turned it. He peeked inside. It was a room like an old English bureaucrats, and two men sat in large armchairs while wearing suits and drinking tea. Exotic birds were perched on their shoulders.

"Cheerio!" called the man with silvery whiskers. Juha quickly slammed the door shut. That was Yamamoto's vice-captain, he was sure of it. The other one was Byakuya Kuchiki. Juha Bach started running, glancing over his shoulder now and then to make sure they weren't chasing after him. He figured they would probably want revenge for their deaths, and right now, Juha wasn't in the mood to fight anybody.

Suddenly, he came to another door. This one was rather plain, but it had a picture of a cartoon horse's face on it. Curious, Juha opened this one.

Inside this room, he saw As Nodt, Quilge Opie, Driscoll Bersci, Berenice Gabrielli, Jerome Guizbatt, Nanana Najahkoop, the mohawked subordinate, Loyd Lloyd, Asquiro Ebern and Luders Friegen all together. They were doing something that their leader could not possibly fathom.

"Hey, sexy lady! Op...op op op...Oppa Gangnam Style!"

Juha shut this door as well. That was even more frightening to witness than those two Shinigami dressed like English gentlemen.


	12. A Meeting Between Villains

28. A Battle of Wit and Intellect

Juha Bach, the real one, stood before the restrained Aizen Sosuke, the two villainous figures staring each other down.

"So...you must know why I've come here." Juha said.

"Of course." Aizen replied.

"I would like for you to join my army, as one of the 'Special War Powers'. What do you say? I can free you from your prison."

"I...would like to decline your offer." Aizen said.

Juha smiled at him. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Juha had figured this might happen. Luckily, he had come prepared. Reaching into his pocket, he took out a spare medallion he had brought along with him. "I could give you this medallion if you join us; it has the power to steal bankai."

"Why would I need to steal a bankai when I am already one of the most powerful beings in the entire spiritual world with my shikai alone?"

Juha frowned.

"Surely that is not all you brought with you to try and sway me?"

"You can...have my cape. It's made of the finest fabric."

"Worthless."

"We will make you a Vandenreich outfit complete with all accessories available on our market website. For someone like you, it would surely be the height of fashion."

"I would much rather have my old uniform, thank you very much."

"Okay, then, I'll throw them both in as a combo! For free! How about that?"

"No."

Juha Bach cursed under his breath. Aizen was way too stubborn. The Vandenreich Emperor began digging around in his pockets for more offerings to give the Soul Society's greatest and most dangerous genius. Suddenly, without warning, he pulled out the first thing he found, which happened to be...a tiny model of the pony Rainbow Dash. Juha gaped; Opie must have snuck it into his pocket at some point.

"I am so sorry to disappoint you," Aizen chuckled, "But I already have five of that particular pony back at my base. I have no need for more. If you possessed a Derpy, I might consider it."

Juha angrily threw the toy onto the floor and stomped on it. Opie wept in Hell.

"Do not tell me that the leader of the Quincy forces, a man who has survived in battle against Yamamoto Shigekuni himself and waited over a thousand years to enact a grand plan for revenge on his most accursed foes, can't even come up with a way to make me want to join their side?" mocked Aizen.

"You're not giving me a chance!"

"Why should I even give you a chance at all?"

Juha wiped the sweat from his brow; it felt very humid for some reason. "Look...I'm sure we can make some kind of deal...I really don't want to go out there looking like some kind of fool..."

"Hear me out right now. I have a suggestion." Aizen said.

"What is it?"

"I think you should go and die like the sniveling worm you really are." Aizen replied as calmly as ever. Juha really wanted to punch this guy. He was a dick.

Juha never noticed just how much in common he actually shared with Aizen either.

"So you won't join us?" Juha asked one last time.

Aizen scoffed. "Of course I won't."

"Very well. I suppose I shall take my leave then, and finish off Yamamoto Shigekuni for good."

"You try and do that." Aizen said, jeeringly.

"I will."

"Good."

"And I'll blow this whole place up too. It'll be easier to get out."

"Wait, what-"

And a few moments later, Juha Bach was standing before a distraught and bewildered Yamamoto.


	13. Chapter 13

29. Lament of the Dead

Yamamoto Genryusai cautiously brought the tiny smoldering cup to his chapped lips. He closed his eyes, fidgeting nervously like a young man preparing for his first kiss, while his vice-captain Sasakibe looked on with an expression of absolute glee on his face. Finally, after a full minute of hesitation, Yamamoto took a sip.

"Hmm...mmm...you're right, Sasakibe, English tea is quite good."

"See? I told you that you would like it, Captain Commander!" Sasakibe applauded for the old man taking a chance like he did.

"But...this would have tasted so much sweeter if we could have enjoyed it together in the 1st Division barracks...with everyone else." Yamamoto lowered his head. Sasakibe frowned. He didn't think he could ever make things better; the Captain Commander could never forgive himself for his failure to protect the people he considered his very children. Sasakibe didn't blame him. He wanted to help this man he looked up to with so much admiration. But, with the both of them dead and stuck in this eternal limbo, there was nothing he could do. All that he was capable of was drinking tea and looking spiffy in his new European clothing while a falcon sat on his shoulder. He had no idea where the falcon came either. It was closely eying his moustache lately; it might have thought it was a worm.

Suddenly, the door opened. Byakuya stepped back inside, looking annoyed.

"Where did you go?" Sasakibe asked.

"I thought I had another chance at life for a moment there," he said, "But it appears that I was wrong. I am definitely deceased now, after leaving my final request to Ichigo Kurosaki. So I suppose I'll put back on my suit and top hat."

"Jolly good!"

"...Please refrain from using any of that sort of language right now. I am not in the mood for it."

"Oh. Sorry."

The air in that tiny little European-styled room of the three dead Shinigami held a somber air, and Sasakibe was uncomfortable. After all, as a minor character, he couldn't comprehend the pain and shame that the big-name protagonists were feeling right now. Although he could at least sympathize with Kira a little, who was huddled in a corner while caressing his his left arm and muttering under his breath. He must have taken some nasty damage before he died.

There was no way Sasakibe would go over and talk to him, though. Kira was really fucking creepy.

* * *

30. A Well-Earned Reward

Bambietta Basterbine was so excited today. She had been told that their beloved Emperor Juha Bach had brought back a pair of 'gifts' for her after they had decimated Soul Society and eliminated the entire Shinigami race. The low-ranked Quincy girl hopped and skipped down the long hallway, toward the Emperor's chambers. She was so excited; the boss never seemed to give her the time of day before. Although Bambietta believed this was just due to his stressful occupation as their leader, it almost seemed like he was intentionally avoiding her at times. Many of the Quincy seemed to do that. But Bambietta had concluded that it was just a coincidence. Bambietta opened the chamber door with a mighty kick.

"Oh, Mister Emperoooor, I'm here for my giii~fts!"

"Ah, there she is, the woman of the hour...uh...um..." Juha Bach scratched at his chin.

"Bambietta Basterbine, my lord." Haschwald reminded him.

"Ah, that's right, my annoying little bastard child!"

"Sir, don't bring that up in front of said bastard child-"

"Right, I'm sorry, I'm just really giddy right now, since we've finally accomplished our thousand-year goal! We've eliminated Soul Society for good! Not a single one was left alive!" Juha Bach chuckled evilly.

"Indeed," Haschwald, for some reason, looked sad as he agreed, "We even brought back a prisoner with us..."

"Umm, when do I get my presents?" Bambietta asked.

"Oh, that's right, here they are!"

Juha Bach stepped aside and revealed a pair of familiar figures. Ichigo Kurosaki and Sajin Komamura were dressed in suitable Vandenreich uniforms, their arms restrained by special bands of highly-condensed reishi. Unlike Komamura, who just looked uncomfortable, there were clear signs of abuse and battering all over Ichigo's face, and probably more underneath his clothes. Bambietta squealed happily.

"Kurosaki, are you alright? They didn't...do anything to you, did they?" Komamura whispered to the much smaller young man.

Ichigo shook his head. "No...they didn't..." he lied. He hadn't been physically wounded, not much anyway, but it was what the leader had told him that truly shattered his spirits. He was still having difficulties believing it all. He knew that his father had been keeping the secret of his Shinigami past, but he didn't know that was only the tip of the iceberg running in the Kurosaki family's past.

"Since they are new recruits here, one of them being a special war power, and the other a gigantic talking mutt...I need someone to teach them the ropes." Juha Bach told the young Quincy.

"Oh, I can do that! I can do that! And I know the big fluffy guy; I have his bankai right now!"

"I'm sure you do..."

"This will be so much fun! It's been ages since I've had anyone to talk to!" Bambietta gushed.

"I can tell why right off the bat." Juha Bach continued smiling at her.

After thanking her emperor again, Bambietta climbed onto Komamura's shoulder and ordered them to begin walking down the hall to her bed-chamber to begin the 'lesson'.

"You know," Bambietta remarked as she watched Ichigo for a moment, "He's kinda cute..."

Komamura didn't say anything. Bambietta smiled.

"But...I think I like you better. That's why I went after you specifically. I'm a furry, after all."

At that point, the large dog-Shinigami had stopped worrying for Ichigo...and became much more concerned about himself.


End file.
